Saturday, November 29, 2014

Honest

This is a long post.

I had an experience today that stung a bit and I wanted to share.

I have blogged before that I had a very lonely, stressful , childhood. 
My Mom was always very sick and in many ways I was the adult and she was the child.
Around the 4th grade I think I started to eat for comfort and became and overweight child.
Of course the kids at school started to make fun of me and basically made my life hell for several years.
I will never forget being told that I was a big as a semi truck.
Once a girl said "I know why you can swim so well" Me: "Why?" she replied "because fat people can float"
Around the 8th grade my Mom's alcoholic boyfriend moved in.
I always had so many worries. Did Mom pay the bills this month? I have an event at school who will take me? How will I afford my school supplies this year? Will Darrell (the alcoholic) be in a good mood when I get home from school?

I was always happy when I could stay here with Granny at the little house :)

All I wanted was to escape my everyday life, be normal, and fit in with everyone else.
I went from overeating to starving myself.
I lived off weight loss shakes and diet dr. pepper Monday-Friday
I would only eat a small amount of real food on the weekends.
I kept up this routine for about 3 years.
Looking back I was never really that big.
I went from 190 pounds to 110 in a short amount of time.
At one point I probably weighed less than 110.
I am 5'6'' and I have very broad shoulders.
I looked like death.
My collar bones stuck out and my hair started falling out.
One morning I got out of bed and felt like I was going to pass out.
When I awoke sometime later on the floor I had passed out and knocked over everything on my bedside table.
I am pretty sure I had a seizure that morning.

Fast forward several years.
I started having several chronic health problems.
I still suffer from these conditions today as a direct result from my eating disorder days.
My adrenal system and thyroid are irrecoverably damaged.
I will always think having to have my gallbladder removed was a direct result as well.
The health problems have now caused me to gain weight that I can't seem to get back off.
When I feel great I exercise and can get some weight off.
Then bam all of the sudden I will get so tired I can barely get out of bed and will have to have my thyroid meds changed and I will gain the weight I lost right back.
My weight is still a constant battle.

But you know I am happier now than I have ever been.
I had to learn that I would never be petite 
We all struggle, but for the most part, I have learned to love and accept my self for who I am.
I try not to pay to much attention to the characteristics that I can't change.
Even when I was thin I still had a large frame and broad shoulders.

I wish people could learn not to judge others so much.
A thin person could be hiding an eating disorder.
People assume that anybody overweight overeats and that's not true.

I am not going to lie the comments hurt.
"Maybe now you will lose weight!"-My Aunt upon hearing my thyroid meds hand been changed and I was feeling a bit better.
"You're fat but you dress nice! and you wear make up! 
"You know if you lost weight you might be married by now"-This came out of the mouth of a doctor I was seeing my my adrenal system issues.
"Just lose weight and you will feel better"

I get this look sometimes shopping for clothes like I just totally do no belong in their store.
That is what happened today.
My friend told me about several consignment shops in Boone.
I have a bunch of nice clothes, that I have been holding on too that are too small,  that I have decided to part with.
Some of are new with tags or very light wear.
The minute I walked in both stores I got the look.
They assumed I did not have anything nice to sell because I am overweight.
Both stores refused to even look at the clothes I brought in.
I felt humiliated and discriminated against.
I felt like a second class citizen.
As I walked back up the crowded street with my giant tub of clothes i could hear the comments from my childhood.
It hurt.

But you know I had on my favorite outfit today, my new red lipstick, and I curled my hair this morning.
I felt pretty today and that is all that mattered.

I have what they call and "apple shape" so I have learned tips and tricks to pick out clothes that suit my shape.
The only pants I own are two pairs of yoga pants.
I do not feel comfortable or feel pretty in pants so I just do not wear them.
 I wear tights under my dresses in the winter.
I wear allot of belts to make me look like I have a waist.
I love to wear heels.
I love makeup.
I love to wear red lipstick.
I love to curl my hair.
Wear what makes you feel happy, beautiful, and confident :)

I decided to do this post just in case my story may reach just one person that is struggling with their weight. Feel free to email me if you just need a friend and someone to talk to about your struggle because I wish that I had just one person for support during those extremely difficult years.

One day I will try and post some resources and my favorite places to shop :)

Me in the 4th grade. Yes I have on Birkenstocks with sandals ;)

Me in the 8th grade when i wanted nothing more than to fit in with everybody else. Now I only cringe to see me with that center hair part :)

Read to go to the prom. I actually at one point weighed less than I did in this photo.


This was me at my best weight I think. At that point I was eating healthy and exercising, but then the damage to my body was already done.


 Tonya

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