Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Feeling sorry for myself and wishing you a Merry Christmas!

Friday night, my Friend Laurie and I, went out to eat for dinner. 
Our waitress had on the most beautiful shade of red lipstick.
I am a sucker for a new red lipstick.
I asked our waitress if she remembered what brand and shade it was.
She was the sweetest thing! and said she had just purchased it that morning and would look in her purse and let me know.
She did and we ended up chatting about lipstick.
She said there are two particular MAC brands that her Mother knew she loved and would buy her for her stocking every year.
I know I shouldn't have felt envious, but I did.
That very same thing would have been something my Mom would have done for me.
I am feeling sorry for myself I know.
I always feel depressed and lonely this time of year.
Maybe because it is meant to spend with family
Apart from Granny I do not have immediate relatives (that are on speaking terms anyway).
I have Aunts and Uncles but my family is dysfunctional to say the least.
Relatives will invite me over, but I stopped going several years ago because it is the worst feeling to be apart of someones family, but not there immediate family, and you are just there by yourself, alone in a corner, watching everybody else exchanging gifts and doing there whole family Christmas thing.
Two years in a row, I house sit for a friend, and pretended the day did not exist.
Chinese food on Christmas day is actually quite good!
It's not about the gifts. It is the feeling of not belonging, feeling left out.
I pray that someday I can be the Mom who knows just what shade of red lipstick her daughter loves and to make sure it's in her stocking every year.
Just to show that I know and I care.
Even simple things like knowing if you run out of gas and you are stranded that you have somebody to call for help.
Again, it's not about the gifts but just knowing that someone thinks about you and cares about you.
Even with my Granny. I am her Grandchild, but not part of her immediate family.
Tomorrow her children (3 of them anyway, remember dysfunctional family!) will come over for Christmas dinner.
Granny and her children will do their family Christmas thing and again I will be in the corner watching.
It is the worst feeling!
It is tough not having parents.
If you have kind, caring, loving parents please please do not take them for granted.
 I keep praying year after year that just maybe next year I will be on the start of having my own family.
I am trying to stay focused "Jesus is the reason for the season!"


On a happier note..........



I am wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

Love,

Tonya, Granny, Mr. Jack the Cat, and Sasha Belle


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