Dreaming.....

I have never had a real family, you know with a mom and dad (that are married and live together) and siblings and real family vacations, holidays, people to celebrate Birthdays and little happy celeberations that comes with life. Even when i was a teenager i dreamed of the family i would have when i "grew up" what my husband would be like, how many children i would have, even what our house would look like (down to the color of the walls). People tell me all the time "you would be such a great mother!" I just feel crushed, it hurts so bad when you pray, and pray, and pray and you feel God does not hear your prayers. Holiday's are the lonliest time of the year for me, because i don't have a family to spend them with. Friends and distant relatives will invite me over but it's just not the same, it's not about gifts, but when your watching everybody else doing their family christmas i just feel so left out and lonly, it just hurts. I have tried to even volunteer and homeless shelters and food banks just to take my mind off the lonliness, but i get sorry we don't need any help this year! but thanks for inquring! I basically have zero relationship with my dad (even though i live with his Mother) my relationship with my sister is pretty much non-existant as well. I am tired of trying to have a "real" family with them and make it work, when they don't try, i have given up on it. It makes me want a family of my own even more, i long to give children the childhood i never had. I keep holding on to that tiny sliver of hope, and keep praying God will see me fit to be a Wife and Mother that i so dream to be.

A few items from by baby stash box to hopefully one day decorate a nursery with. A vintage gingham baby blanket, a sweet little pair of vintage baby shoes with attached rattles and pink bows, and i purchased the old humpty dumpty quilted plastic fabric from a fabric warehouse i thought it would be sweet to cover a changing table with.