Today I had a good long cry....

I am always honest on blog and share things here I don't share with allot of people close to me.

I had dinner with the missionaries from church last week.

One of them ask me what my dream job would be?

 I have always wanted to be a wife and a mom.

This day and age I guess it's surprising to some that would be my answer.

In high-school I took all of the Family and Consumer Science courses (AKA Home Economics).

Interior Design, Foods and Nutrition, Clothing Design, Early Childhood Development, all those types.

One of my favorite things to do when I had free time in class was to thumb through all of the pattern books and dream about all of the baby clothes and layettes I could make.

Twelve years later and I am no closer to that dream than I was then.

 I need to trust God.

 I can't help but think he know's I would not be a good wife and mother and that's why it hasn't happened yet?

I have been praying for a new focus and new goals.

 All through the summer I have kept my self busy and was starting to accept that maybe becoming a wife and mother isn't in God's plan for me? 

I was doing good until the past week. 

One cousin just had a new baby,two others both announced they are having a second baby, and another cousin just got engaged. 

Deep down I feel crushed. 

I feel guilty because I am very happy for all of them.

I had some time to browse around Wal-Mart waiting on my oil to be changed today.

I was looking around the craft section at the Halloween fabric and then I noticed they have brought back the pattern books after taking them away for years.

Of course I had to look at them. 

I started thumbing through the baby patterns and they have even brought back all of these old vintage baby patterns :)

Then I went back to the waiting area and was looking on Facebook and saw and article on adoption.  I have always had a longing to adopt a child.  I have always felt that I can make any child "mine" and give them a safe, loving, home. 

I just feel behind at work, at home, all aspects of my life.

I can't help it, I feel like such a failure....